Friday, September 09, 2011

Orifice Onslaught

It was THAT time again. I was a bit late for my old guy check-up, you know colonoscopy. My doctor does have a sense of humor but this must be expected in his profession. How else could you survive the day talking about and looking at bungholes. His comment at the end of the prelim was, "Well you've got the orifice and I've got a tube. See you Monday."

I think that there may be an opportunity to make money here. How can you make the colon blow solution taste tolerable? The cherry flavoring provided does imbibe some vague sense of smelling the additive but it doesn't taste like cherry.

First drink it's alright
Second drink I lean right
Third drink hang on tight (go faster faster)

Fourth drink - this stuff really tastes bad. I think you could really make some money if this stuff didn't taste like bear piss diluted with swamp water. Don't ask how I know what that taste like.

Man, I could squirt through a keyhole at thirty paces and hit the wall on the other side. It is good that after you are halfway through that you are to start drinking some water as you are definitely expelling more than you are taking in.

The following morning I looked up every joke I could find on the internet on this topic so that I could be prepared to entertain the nurses and doctors. I dressed in my best clothes as I wanted them to think well of me. The lasting impression should not be that of my big hairy behind sticking out from the oh so fashionable smock provided. I put on tie dye shorts which my wife has dubbed the "clown shorts". She actually made me change my shirt as it did not match the shorts. Come on, everything goes with tie dye. I am kidding, I had to change my shirt as it had the usual array of food stains from previous days. She did not care if I looked like a clown as long as it wasn't a sloppy one.

I finally got to the room so that I could start with the jokes. They patiently smiled at me and informed me that they had heard these jokes. I was to finish up the comedy act as I was about to be sedated. I did get a chuckle when I asked for a note to take home stating that my head was not firmly planted up there.

The new drugs they use are pretty smooth. You come out of sedation slowly but fully. No drifting in and out of awareness like before. I am unsure why you shouldn't be able to drive yourself home at this point. I may or may not have driven more impaired than this in my youth. Regardless, you must have your designated driver with you. They assigned a nice little old lady that must have been all of about 5 feet tall and weighing in at 90 pounds as my guide to the vehicle. I told her that if she thought I was about to fall, that the sensible thing to do would be to get out of the way!

Well, they took one polyp but it was benign so I don't have to go back for five years. Yeah! I told the doctor that I would miss him and to call if he was missing seeing me. I also received some great color photographs. Let me know if you need to know what an a*****e, hemorrhoid, or polyp looks like and I would be glad to scan and post them up. I doubt that the doctor cares about copyrights.

No comments: